Wanted: If you're among the perpetually angry and the professionally offended; if you're prone to violent outbursts and are totally lacking in logic, reason and self control; if you have violent fantasies of spraying automatic weapons fire at anyone not like you, then I want you for my new start up business, Deuce Defenders.
If you identify with and are a fan of Jenine Garafalo, Alec Baldwin, Keith Olberman and Rosie O'Donnel, then have I got an offer for you. Join Deuce Defenders!
When I heard that the Department of Education had their own S.W.A.T. team, and recently conducted a raid on a private home looking for evidence of student loan fraud, I realized that there was a business opportunity out there just waiting to be tapped... private S.W.A.T. teams. Think Black Water, only domestically.
Come on man! If the Dept. of Education can field a S.W.A.T. team, why can't I? I've got just as much need for a S.W.A.T. team as they do...and I can make it a profitable private business instead of a completely unnecessary waste of taxpayer money. But I need mean and nasty people to man my teams because we'll be dealing with the scum of the Earth. People that respect no law, that will kill the innocent at the drop of a hat and that will stop at nothing to continue their anarchist ways as they work diligently to destroy America! Al-Queda? No. The Taliban? No. North Korean commie zombies? No. I'm talking about...low grade white collar criminals!
Think of the opportunities!
your neighbor's dog crapping on your lawn
the guy down the block who just won't scoop the snow off his sidewalk
the hippies next door who are pirating your cable connection
somebody won't take down their Christmas lights by Jan 2
kids walking through your yard
Deuce Defenders will be happy to kick in their doors at four a.m., toss in some flash-bang grenades, then rush in brandishing automatic weapons and scare the living bejeebers out of everyone there. Then you'll cuff them all and stuff them in paddy wagons while you search the house for evidence of the heinous crimes they've committed. You'll wear black combat fatigues and black body armor and strut around talking bad cop talk like "Do you feel lucky, punk?"
I'll make a fortune...and you'll make minimum wage, but you'll have great benefits like getting to gear up and raid the homes of poor white trash, all the while feeling superior. You're self esteem will skyrocket while you release your inner demons, terrorizing those guilty of not paying their student loans in a timely fashion. You can get cool tattoos like Ms. Garafalo!
If you think you've got what it takes, Deuce Defenders wants YOU!
Experience in bullying and verbal abuse desired, but will train the right person. Ex-teachers highly desirable.
Equal opportunity employer.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Mr. Quarter Prepares for the End of Days
For those in the know, May 21, 2011 is the date of "The Rapture" prophesied by the Bible as calculated by William Camping who leads an independent Christian ministry on California based Family Radio Worldwide. Thus, it signals the beginning of the End of Days - which is incidentally calculated by Mr. Camping as occurring not later than October 21, 2011. As Mr. Camping sees it, if he is still here on May 22, it only means that he was not "Raptured" into Heaven and not that his calculations are off. That being the case, Mr. Quarter needs to do some planning!
So little time and so much to do. First, better take a few minutes and phone up all the a-holes that have crossed my life's path and let them know my feelings. Not necessary, but certainly satisfying. Actually, that thought brings to mind a quote that I once heard,"The only surprise in my life is that I managed reach this age without killing someone, although I certainly wanted to several times."
Now prioritize. Roughly five months, so only spend my time on the important stuff. Things that are not on the agenda: house cleaning, laundry, wash the car, mow the grass. In my youth, sex would have been high on the priority list - debauchery of some sort. At 53, Mr. Quarter is not as libidinal as in his youth so I have to push that one down the list in favor of other less biological events - although a regular quality romp is not to be discounted. So what are the big ticket items on the list - go fly fishing in Siberia, eat a $500 meal in a Paris Salon, smoke a Cohiba in a Havana night club, hike in Patagonia, see the pyramids in Egypt, visit the Parthenon in Athens, tour every distillery of single malt scotch in Scotland (and sample), stroll the Great Wall of China, visit the Taj Mahal, travel to Kenya and view the last natural herds of great beasts and top-of-the-foodchain predators, swim with a whale.
In the end, assuming that it comes next October, Mr. Quarter wants to sit surrounded by his children and wife. He wants to laugh with them over the kiddie poop stories and cry with them about the things past and things lost. I'll give them all a hug that will carry me into eternity. Heaven or Hell, it matters not because I know the kind of person I am, the rewards I've earned, and the punishment I deserve. Most of all, Mr. Quarter wants to look back on a life well lived and with few regrets.
Just in case, good luck to all of you and I'll see you on the other side.
Post Script: Well its Sunday morning and I am still here as is my wife. One possible conclusion is that we are not among the righteous. Looking out the window this morning at all the lawnmowers going leads me to believe that few if any of my neighbors were among the righteous, either. Perhaps I was not standing where I had a clear shot upward yesterday at the 6:00 PM rapture, so now I'm on standby? I hate it when that happens.
Maybe Mr. Camping's calculations were completely off and there is still some hope? Probably not. I believe that we human beings stand at the intersection of two infinities - between the incredibly small to the unimaginably large. Perhaps a supreme being with the power to create all that really isn't paying much attention to one point along the continuum of the universe.
So little time and so much to do. First, better take a few minutes and phone up all the a-holes that have crossed my life's path and let them know my feelings. Not necessary, but certainly satisfying. Actually, that thought brings to mind a quote that I once heard,"The only surprise in my life is that I managed reach this age without killing someone, although I certainly wanted to several times."
Now prioritize. Roughly five months, so only spend my time on the important stuff. Things that are not on the agenda: house cleaning, laundry, wash the car, mow the grass. In my youth, sex would have been high on the priority list - debauchery of some sort. At 53, Mr. Quarter is not as libidinal as in his youth so I have to push that one down the list in favor of other less biological events - although a regular quality romp is not to be discounted. So what are the big ticket items on the list - go fly fishing in Siberia, eat a $500 meal in a Paris Salon, smoke a Cohiba in a Havana night club, hike in Patagonia, see the pyramids in Egypt, visit the Parthenon in Athens, tour every distillery of single malt scotch in Scotland (and sample), stroll the Great Wall of China, visit the Taj Mahal, travel to Kenya and view the last natural herds of great beasts and top-of-the-foodchain predators, swim with a whale.
In the end, assuming that it comes next October, Mr. Quarter wants to sit surrounded by his children and wife. He wants to laugh with them over the kiddie poop stories and cry with them about the things past and things lost. I'll give them all a hug that will carry me into eternity. Heaven or Hell, it matters not because I know the kind of person I am, the rewards I've earned, and the punishment I deserve. Most of all, Mr. Quarter wants to look back on a life well lived and with few regrets.
Just in case, good luck to all of you and I'll see you on the other side.
Post Script: Well its Sunday morning and I am still here as is my wife. One possible conclusion is that we are not among the righteous. Looking out the window this morning at all the lawnmowers going leads me to believe that few if any of my neighbors were among the righteous, either. Perhaps I was not standing where I had a clear shot upward yesterday at the 6:00 PM rapture, so now I'm on standby? I hate it when that happens.
Maybe Mr. Camping's calculations were completely off and there is still some hope? Probably not. I believe that we human beings stand at the intersection of two infinities - between the incredibly small to the unimaginably large. Perhaps a supreme being with the power to create all that really isn't paying much attention to one point along the continuum of the universe.
Friday, May 6, 2011
The Deuce And Osama Bin Laden
OBL is dead, and yeah, I celebrated. What's that? Celebrating the death of any human being is un-christian you say. I tend to think God hates evil, and when that evil is encompassed in a human being, and the death of that human being is the only way to extinguish the evil, well then die you SOB!
When I heard the news I poured myself a shot, hoisted it in honor of the SEALs, the CIA, and everyone else who had a hand in hunting down and killing OBL, thanked God for the end of one particular evil, and tossed the shot back with gusto. Not once did I doubt the the righteousness of my toast or the feeling of gratitude and relief that OBL had finally paid for his evil.
Obviously not everyone agrees with the Deuce, and some who wanted to celebrate had their plans cut short when some unknown pussies took offense.
A bar near Chicago had planned an Osama Bin Rot'n night, with drink specials like "Osama Been Shot", and "The Floating Terrorist." Sounds like a party to me. But alas, the bar caved when un-named people expressed their displeasure over a party to celebrate the death of someone, even the most infamous terrorist who ever lived who caused the death of thousands of innocent Americans along with hundreds of Brits, Spainards, Africans (U.S. embassy staff in Africa) and clubbers in Bali.
So, the patriotic set around Chicago were denied their night of revelry. I felt cheated, so I devised some of my own drink specials that I'm working my way through slowly but surely.
The Drambui "Douple Tap"
The Coors "9 Mil Chill"
Baileys Irish Creme "The Leakin' Noggin"
The Chivas "Cyclops"
The Jose Quervo "Turbanator"
The Yeagermeister "Eat Shit and Diester."
The Jack Daniels "Jihad This!"
And my personal favorite, The Dos Equis "Most Interesting Corpse"
Stay thirsty my friends.
When I heard the news I poured myself a shot, hoisted it in honor of the SEALs, the CIA, and everyone else who had a hand in hunting down and killing OBL, thanked God for the end of one particular evil, and tossed the shot back with gusto. Not once did I doubt the the righteousness of my toast or the feeling of gratitude and relief that OBL had finally paid for his evil.
Obviously not everyone agrees with the Deuce, and some who wanted to celebrate had their plans cut short when some unknown pussies took offense.
A bar near Chicago had planned an Osama Bin Rot'n night, with drink specials like "Osama Been Shot", and "The Floating Terrorist." Sounds like a party to me. But alas, the bar caved when un-named people expressed their displeasure over a party to celebrate the death of someone, even the most infamous terrorist who ever lived who caused the death of thousands of innocent Americans along with hundreds of Brits, Spainards, Africans (U.S. embassy staff in Africa) and clubbers in Bali.
So, the patriotic set around Chicago were denied their night of revelry. I felt cheated, so I devised some of my own drink specials that I'm working my way through slowly but surely.
The Drambui "Douple Tap"
The Coors "9 Mil Chill"
Baileys Irish Creme "The Leakin' Noggin"
The Chivas "Cyclops"
The Jose Quervo "Turbanator"
The Yeagermeister "Eat Shit and Diester."
The Jack Daniels "Jihad This!"
And my personal favorite, The Dos Equis "Most Interesting Corpse"
Stay thirsty my friends.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The Deuce And The Royal Wedding
Prince William, grandson of Britain's current monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, is getting hitched this Friday. The bride to be is commoner Catherine Middleton.
Who cares? Depends on who you ask. CBS says interest is 'stoked' in the U.S., while the New York Times says it's a
'yawner'. In any event, all the major TV networks in the U.S. will be covering the wedding live, beginning at four A.M. EDT. It would take the second coming to get me up at that hour. On the other hand, I could be induced to stay up till then if the party was rockin'.
You can guess who cares. Women. 58% of American women are 'very or somewhat interested, or following news of the wedding.' Meanwhile, fully 50% of American men are not following the coming nuptials at all. Big surprise, I know.
For centuries men have not cared about the nuts and bolts of their own weddings, much less someone elses. Men say, 'Do we really have to go through this? Just tell me when and where', while women famously obsess about the minutest details, giving birth to the reality show Bridezillas, where perfectly normal looking women have multiple psychotic breakdowns because their centerpieces don't coordinate with the color of the tile in the ladies room. It drives would-be grooms to drink, often right up to the minute they step to the alter, and brings the sanity of brides into serious doubt.
The Deuce, surprisingly, is 'somewhat' interested in the royal wedding. Why, you ask? Well, first of all it's being held in Westminster Abbey, one of the most historical buildings in western civilization. Established in 1065, Westminster Abbey has been the sight of royal coronations and weddings, and the funerals and burial place of England's most iconic people, including Geoffrey Chaucer, Issac Newton and Charles Darwin.
If you care at all about history a chance to see Westminster Abbey is not to be missed.
Secondly, the Deuce loves military pomp. Royal weddings bring out the Scots Guards who escort the royal couple to Westminster Abbey, marching in their famous red coats and bear skin hats. Being an old Army guy, I admire military precision in marching and the Scots Guards marching is a hell of a show.
And there's bagpipes! Tradition says the bagpipe was invented by lonely soldiers far from home who missed the high pitched squeals, squawks and grating chords of their wive's voices.
The rest of the wedding hoopla can go begging as far as I'm concerned. Don't care about the ring, the gown or the guests and where they sit, although it's interesting that Obama wasn't invited. I guess Obama returning that bust of Winston Churchill to Queen Elizabeth didn't go over too well. However, with William's younger brother Prince Harry in charge of the reception, that could be entertaining. Harry likes to party. Don't think the reception will be televised. Too bad.
Maybe Sports Center will have some highlights I can watch.
Who cares? Depends on who you ask. CBS says interest is 'stoked' in the U.S., while the New York Times says it's a
'yawner'. In any event, all the major TV networks in the U.S. will be covering the wedding live, beginning at four A.M. EDT. It would take the second coming to get me up at that hour. On the other hand, I could be induced to stay up till then if the party was rockin'.
You can guess who cares. Women. 58% of American women are 'very or somewhat interested, or following news of the wedding.' Meanwhile, fully 50% of American men are not following the coming nuptials at all. Big surprise, I know.
For centuries men have not cared about the nuts and bolts of their own weddings, much less someone elses. Men say, 'Do we really have to go through this? Just tell me when and where', while women famously obsess about the minutest details, giving birth to the reality show Bridezillas, where perfectly normal looking women have multiple psychotic breakdowns because their centerpieces don't coordinate with the color of the tile in the ladies room. It drives would-be grooms to drink, often right up to the minute they step to the alter, and brings the sanity of brides into serious doubt.
The Deuce, surprisingly, is 'somewhat' interested in the royal wedding. Why, you ask? Well, first of all it's being held in Westminster Abbey, one of the most historical buildings in western civilization. Established in 1065, Westminster Abbey has been the sight of royal coronations and weddings, and the funerals and burial place of England's most iconic people, including Geoffrey Chaucer, Issac Newton and Charles Darwin.
If you care at all about history a chance to see Westminster Abbey is not to be missed.
Secondly, the Deuce loves military pomp. Royal weddings bring out the Scots Guards who escort the royal couple to Westminster Abbey, marching in their famous red coats and bear skin hats. Being an old Army guy, I admire military precision in marching and the Scots Guards marching is a hell of a show.
And there's bagpipes! Tradition says the bagpipe was invented by lonely soldiers far from home who missed the high pitched squeals, squawks and grating chords of their wive's voices.
The rest of the wedding hoopla can go begging as far as I'm concerned. Don't care about the ring, the gown or the guests and where they sit, although it's interesting that Obama wasn't invited. I guess Obama returning that bust of Winston Churchill to Queen Elizabeth didn't go over too well. However, with William's younger brother Prince Harry in charge of the reception, that could be entertaining. Harry likes to party. Don't think the reception will be televised. Too bad.
Maybe Sports Center will have some highlights I can watch.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Mr. Quarter's Opinion on Inequality
Inequality, or rather economic inequality comprises all disparities in the distribution of economic assets and income. A major and continuing complaint by liberals is that conservative ideology promotes economic inequality. Where in the Bill of Rights or any other amendment to the U.S. Constitution is a grant of equality of economic assets and income to all citizens of the United States? No where.
Citizens of the United States are accorded a number of rights intended to allow the pursuit of happiness and prosperity. Failure to pursue happiness and prosperity or, alternatively, declining to do so is also a right of the United States Citizen. What is not a guaranteed right in the United States Constitution is happiness and prosperity.
Likewise, there is no constitutional basis for the confiscation of economic assets and income with the intent of redistribution of said wealth for the purpose of relieving economic inequality. Those smart enough, ambitious enough, or just plain lucky enough to possess economic assets and income in excess of their needs are entitled to keep it. The United States Constitution tasks the federal government with only the duty of providing for the common defense and general welfare. You will note that the federal government is not tasked with providing for the individual welfare.
Citizens of the United States are accorded a number of rights intended to allow the pursuit of happiness and prosperity. Failure to pursue happiness and prosperity or, alternatively, declining to do so is also a right of the United States Citizen. What is not a guaranteed right in the United States Constitution is happiness and prosperity.
Likewise, there is no constitutional basis for the confiscation of economic assets and income with the intent of redistribution of said wealth for the purpose of relieving economic inequality. Those smart enough, ambitious enough, or just plain lucky enough to possess economic assets and income in excess of their needs are entitled to keep it. The United States Constitution tasks the federal government with only the duty of providing for the common defense and general welfare. You will note that the federal government is not tasked with providing for the individual welfare.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The Deuce And Cowardice
cowardice [ˈkaʊədɪs]
noun
lack of courage in facing danger, pain, or difficulty
I'm convinced that God hates cowards...or, if God is incapable of hatred, maybe he just really, really dislikes them. I'm not God, so I'm free to hate them. And if hate is a sin, I'll settle up with God at His convenience.
Two news stories caught my eye this week, but not for the same reasons the stories caught the eye of the media who reported them. That's telling, I think.
The first was this one. An eight year old boy threw a temper tantrum at school. He tossed some chairs and a TV stand, then ripped some loose wood trim off the wall and threatened to beat his two teachers with it. His two teachers, probably women though the news reports don't say so, reacted in a way that would have made Joan of Arc proud...they locked themselves in an office and called the police. Seriously. Two adult women fled in fear of their lives from an eight year old with a stick. And no, the kid's name isn't Chucky.
The police responded, no doubt with a S.W.A.T team, and confronted the stick-wielding unholy terror (news reports don't say if guns were drawn during the confrontation with the crazed stickman). Police demanded the little miscreant drop the illegal assault stick. The boy refused, clearly evidence he was high on Ritalin, also known as the "angel dust" of suburban elementary schools. Always mindful of the possibility of a video camera being present and not wanting to get caught in a "Rodney King" moment, the cops were forced to resort to their "less lethal" weaponry and pepper sprayed the suspect. The alleged stickman dropped his weapon and was taken into custody.
One real adult could of grabbed the little twerp by his ear, lifted him up on his tip-toes and dragged him to the Principal's office for an old fashioned paddling. Instead, it gets turned into a federal case because of the cowardice of two grown women. Oh, don't give me the "if they touch the kid they could get sued" b.s. Fear of a law suit is just another display of cowardice. As for the cops, I guess they thought their department policy on the use of force applied to any violent offender regardless of age or size.
In any event the whole episode was pathetic, and says a lot about the state of American womanhood.
The second story is to me even more alarming.
A man was walking to his car in the parking lot of Dodger Stadium in L.A. with two friends after watching his team, the San Francisco Giants lose to the Dodgers. He was wearing Giant gear. The three men were accosted by two men in Dodger clothing. The Giant fan was attacked and beaten severely and was later hospitalized with a fractured skull. He is currently in a medically induced coma with a chunk of his skull missing after doctors removed it to relieve swelling of the brain. He is showing signs of brain damage. The two attackers are still at large.
There were several witnesses, all telling the same story. The attack was unprovoked, there were no weapons seen, and the man's two "friends" ran away leaving him to his fate. They ran away.
The Giants fans had a three to two advantage over their attackers. The attackers neither brandished or used any weapons. And the two buddies ran away, leaving their friend to be beaten nearly to death.
Cowards. Just that simple.
noun
lack of courage in facing danger, pain, or difficulty
I'm convinced that God hates cowards...or, if God is incapable of hatred, maybe he just really, really dislikes them. I'm not God, so I'm free to hate them. And if hate is a sin, I'll settle up with God at His convenience.
Two news stories caught my eye this week, but not for the same reasons the stories caught the eye of the media who reported them. That's telling, I think.
The first was this one. An eight year old boy threw a temper tantrum at school. He tossed some chairs and a TV stand, then ripped some loose wood trim off the wall and threatened to beat his two teachers with it. His two teachers, probably women though the news reports don't say so, reacted in a way that would have made Joan of Arc proud...they locked themselves in an office and called the police. Seriously. Two adult women fled in fear of their lives from an eight year old with a stick. And no, the kid's name isn't Chucky.
The police responded, no doubt with a S.W.A.T team, and confronted the stick-wielding unholy terror (news reports don't say if guns were drawn during the confrontation with the crazed stickman). Police demanded the little miscreant drop the illegal assault stick. The boy refused, clearly evidence he was high on Ritalin, also known as the "angel dust" of suburban elementary schools. Always mindful of the possibility of a video camera being present and not wanting to get caught in a "Rodney King" moment, the cops were forced to resort to their "less lethal" weaponry and pepper sprayed the suspect. The alleged stickman dropped his weapon and was taken into custody.
One real adult could of grabbed the little twerp by his ear, lifted him up on his tip-toes and dragged him to the Principal's office for an old fashioned paddling. Instead, it gets turned into a federal case because of the cowardice of two grown women. Oh, don't give me the "if they touch the kid they could get sued" b.s. Fear of a law suit is just another display of cowardice. As for the cops, I guess they thought their department policy on the use of force applied to any violent offender regardless of age or size.
In any event the whole episode was pathetic, and says a lot about the state of American womanhood.
The second story is to me even more alarming.
A man was walking to his car in the parking lot of Dodger Stadium in L.A. with two friends after watching his team, the San Francisco Giants lose to the Dodgers. He was wearing Giant gear. The three men were accosted by two men in Dodger clothing. The Giant fan was attacked and beaten severely and was later hospitalized with a fractured skull. He is currently in a medically induced coma with a chunk of his skull missing after doctors removed it to relieve swelling of the brain. He is showing signs of brain damage. The two attackers are still at large.
There were several witnesses, all telling the same story. The attack was unprovoked, there were no weapons seen, and the man's two "friends" ran away leaving him to his fate. They ran away.
The Giants fans had a three to two advantage over their attackers. The attackers neither brandished or used any weapons. And the two buddies ran away, leaving their friend to be beaten nearly to death.
Cowards. Just that simple.
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