Wanted: If you're among the perpetually angry and the professionally offended; if you're prone to violent outbursts and are totally lacking in logic, reason and self control; if you have violent fantasies of spraying automatic weapons fire at anyone not like you, then I want you for my new start up business, Deuce Defenders.
If you identify with and are a fan of Jenine Garafalo, Alec Baldwin, Keith Olberman and Rosie O'Donnel, then have I got an offer for you. Join Deuce Defenders!
When I heard that the Department of Education had their own S.W.A.T. team, and recently conducted a raid on a private home looking for evidence of student loan fraud, I realized that there was a business opportunity out there just waiting to be tapped... private S.W.A.T. teams. Think Black Water, only domestically.
Come on man! If the Dept. of Education can field a S.W.A.T. team, why can't I? I've got just as much need for a S.W.A.T. team as they do...and I can make it a profitable private business instead of a completely unnecessary waste of taxpayer money. But I need mean and nasty people to man my teams because we'll be dealing with the scum of the Earth. People that respect no law, that will kill the innocent at the drop of a hat and that will stop at nothing to continue their anarchist ways as they work diligently to destroy America! Al-Queda? No. The Taliban? No. North Korean commie zombies? No. I'm talking about...low grade white collar criminals!
Think of the opportunities!
your neighbor's dog crapping on your lawn
the guy down the block who just won't scoop the snow off his sidewalk
the hippies next door who are pirating your cable connection
somebody won't take down their Christmas lights by Jan 2
kids walking through your yard
Deuce Defenders will be happy to kick in their doors at four a.m., toss in some flash-bang grenades, then rush in brandishing automatic weapons and scare the living bejeebers out of everyone there. Then you'll cuff them all and stuff them in paddy wagons while you search the house for evidence of the heinous crimes they've committed. You'll wear black combat fatigues and black body armor and strut around talking bad cop talk like "Do you feel lucky, punk?"
I'll make a fortune...and you'll make minimum wage, but you'll have great benefits like getting to gear up and raid the homes of poor white trash, all the while feeling superior. You're self esteem will skyrocket while you release your inner demons, terrorizing those guilty of not paying their student loans in a timely fashion. You can get cool tattoos like Ms. Garafalo!
If you think you've got what it takes, Deuce Defenders wants YOU!
Experience in bullying and verbal abuse desired, but will train the right person. Ex-teachers highly desirable.
Equal opportunity employer.