Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Mr. Quarter Prepares for the End of Days

For those in the know, May 21, 2011 is the date of "The Rapture" prophesied by the Bible as calculated by William Camping who leads an independent Christian ministry on California based Family Radio Worldwide. Thus, it signals the beginning of the End of Days - which is incidentally calculated by Mr. Camping as occurring not later than October 21, 2011. As Mr. Camping sees it, if he is still here on May 22, it only means that he was not "Raptured" into Heaven and not that his calculations are off. That being the case, Mr. Quarter needs to do some planning!

So little time and so much to do. First, better take a few minutes and phone up all the a-holes that have crossed my life's path and let them know my feelings. Not necessary, but certainly satisfying. Actually, that thought brings to mind a quote that I once heard,"The only surprise in my life is that I managed reach this age without killing someone, although I certainly wanted to several times."

Now prioritize. Roughly five months, so only spend my time on the important stuff. Things that are not on the agenda: house cleaning, laundry, wash the car, mow the grass. In my youth, sex would have been high on the priority list - debauchery of some sort. At 53, Mr. Quarter is not as libidinal as in his youth so I have to push that one down the list in favor of other less biological events - although a regular quality romp is not to be discounted. So what are the big ticket items on the list - go fly fishing in Siberia, eat a $500 meal in a Paris Salon, smoke a Cohiba in a Havana night club, hike in Patagonia, see the pyramids in Egypt, visit the Parthenon in Athens, tour every distillery of single malt scotch in Scotland (and sample), stroll the Great Wall of China, visit the Taj Mahal, travel to Kenya and view the last natural herds of great beasts and top-of-the-foodchain predators, swim with a whale.

In the end, assuming that it comes next October, Mr. Quarter wants to sit surrounded by his children and wife. He wants to laugh with them over the kiddie poop stories and cry with them about the things past and things lost. I'll give them all a hug that will carry me into eternity. Heaven or Hell, it matters not because I know the kind of person I am, the rewards I've earned, and the punishment I deserve. Most of all, Mr. Quarter wants to look back on a life well lived and with few regrets.

Just in case, good luck to all of you and I'll see you on the other side.

Post Script: Well its Sunday morning and I am still here as is my wife. One possible conclusion is that we are not among the righteous. Looking out the window this morning at all the lawnmowers going leads me to believe that few if any of my neighbors were among the righteous, either. Perhaps I was not standing where I had a clear shot upward yesterday at the 6:00 PM rapture, so now I'm on standby? I hate it when that happens.

Maybe Mr. Camping's calculations were completely off and there is still some hope? Probably not. I believe that we human beings stand at the intersection of two infinities - between the incredibly small to the unimaginably large. Perhaps a supreme being with the power to create all that really isn't paying much attention to one point along the continuum of the universe.

Friday, May 6, 2011

The Deuce And Osama Bin Laden

OBL is dead, and yeah, I celebrated. What's that? Celebrating the death of any human being is un-christian you say. I tend to think God hates evil, and when that evil is encompassed in a human being, and the death of that human being is the only way to extinguish the evil, well then die you SOB!

When I heard the news I poured myself a shot, hoisted it in honor of the SEALs, the CIA, and everyone else who had a hand in hunting down and killing OBL, thanked God for the end of one particular evil, and tossed the shot back with gusto. Not once did I doubt the the righteousness of my toast or the feeling of gratitude and relief that OBL had finally paid for his evil.

Obviously not everyone agrees with the Deuce, and some who wanted to celebrate had their plans cut short when some unknown pussies took offense.

A bar near Chicago had planned an Osama Bin Rot'n night, with drink specials like "Osama Been Shot", and "The Floating Terrorist." Sounds like a party to me. But alas, the bar caved when un-named people expressed their displeasure over a party to celebrate the death of someone, even the most infamous terrorist who ever lived who caused the death of thousands of innocent Americans along with hundreds of Brits, Spainards, Africans (U.S. embassy staff in Africa) and clubbers in Bali.

So, the patriotic set around Chicago were denied their night of revelry. I felt cheated, so I devised some of my own drink specials that I'm working my way through slowly but surely.

The Drambui "Douple Tap"

The Coors "9 Mil Chill"

Baileys Irish Creme "The Leakin' Noggin"

The Chivas "Cyclops"

The Jose Quervo "Turbanator"

The Yeagermeister "Eat Shit and Diester."

The Jack Daniels "Jihad This!"

And my personal favorite, The Dos Equis "Most Interesting Corpse"

Stay thirsty my friends.