Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The Deuce and Critters

I'm not a big animal lover. Oh, I don't hate them or anything ( mostly ), it's just that they're such poor conversationalists. They're high maintenance too.

Dogs are pretty good for the most part, except when they bark in the middle of the night, crap on my lawn, chase me when I'm driving, puke up an unidentifiable mass of yuck on my carpet or try to hump my leg. I've outraged a few friends when I've been forced to chastise their dog for mistaking my shin for a slutty bitch, and by chastise I mean a firm yet understanding nudge to their marbles. Once is usually enough for the dog, though the owners tend to carry a grudge ever after.

I understand why some people get so attached to their dogs. Dogs are mostly friendly and sociable critters who like to play and please their masters. I've heard countless people say, "It's the unconditional love they give that makes dogs so special." I used to reply, "Well, a dog will love anyone that feeds them and gives them a warm place to sleep. Stop providing food and a warm bed and see how fast your dog finds someone else to love. Even Hitler had dogs." I don't say that anymore...apparently it's offensive. Who knew?

Cats. As far as I can tell, the only thing cats are good for is for baiting a really big fish hook. But that's just me. You love your kitty and that's all good, but forgive me when I give your fuzzy wuzzy a friendly toss after it jumps in my lap and exercises it's claws in my crotch.

Killer Whales. I personally have never run across anyone who had one of these as a pet, but I understand there are places where you can go to watch them do tricks, like letting people ride on their backs and then eating them. Radical dude!

For years I've been waiting for a Sea World trainer to to piss off the wrong orca and it finally happened. I mean, Darwin's law can only be put off for so long. When you're petting a 22 foot long, six ton predator, you've got to be fast on your feet and have razor sharp concentration. Especially when a particular killer has, in fact, killed before. One false move, one fleeting moment of inattention and you'll find yourself drowning at the bottom of the pool watching your guts float bye as the orca uses you for a chew toy and horrified spectators puke all over each other. Talk about high maintenance!

Love of animals is all well and good, but in America we've gone too far. It's one thing to support the humane treatment of animals, it's quite another to let them feast on human beings and then say, "...the animal did nothing wrong and will not be punished in any way." You can argue that killer whales and other large predators should not be confined to amusement parks, but since we allow that, how can anyone argue that a proven killer of humans should be allowed to continue to kill. Return it to the wild if possible, and if not, put it down.

Allowing any animal to habitually kill humans is not only incredibly stupid, but devalues human life to the level of a Big Mac, and offers "rights" to an animal that it is not entitled to.

1 comment:

Rick said...

One of the funniest things you ever put out. I was pissing myself. Great work!