The Deuce Says, "You might be a moron if..."

Jeff Foxworthy has sold more comedy albums than anyone in history. Foxworthy, famous for his Blue Collar Comedy Tour, first gained fame with his patented "You might be a redneck if..." routine.

In that spirit, I give you, "You might be a moron if...

...you voted for Obama. I mean, come on! Stevie Wonder could see this disaster coming. Here's a hint; when the New York Times, Hollywood, Oprah and every freak show special interest group supports a politician, vote the other way. Anyone who lives in a fantasy world can not be relied on to grasp reality.

...you believe "hate speech" should be outlawed. To the PC crowd, any speech they don't like is hate speech...normal people call this disagreeing. Shout me down and I'll beat you down. Just keeping it real baby! ( see previous blog, The Deuce and the RNC ).

...you believe driving a hybrid makes you a better human being, deserving of special perks and the undying respect of the unwashed masses, because your car uses a little less gas than a regular car. Have you asked yourself how much coal gets burned in your local power plant to supply you with the extra electricity it takes to charge the battery in your expensive electric roller skate every day? Mmmmm? I didn't think so.

...you believe a vegan diet is better for the Earth and pleasing to Gaea the Earth Mother. First of all, a vegan diet without nutritional supplements is also known as slow starvation, so if your ultimate short-term goal is to become compost, you're on the right track. Congrats! Secondly, those kinda sharp teeth you've got in the front of your mouth are called canines and incisors...they're for ripping and tearing...wait for it...MEAT! Since you believe in evolution, how is it possible that you evolved teeth for eating meat, when Gaea demands that you only eat weeds? Well, that's a real mystery, huh? Slurp down some more tofu and consider that.

...you believe scientists are special people, and wouldn't dare lie to you. Scientists are just people, subject to all the flaws and foibles any human is subject to. All scientists depend upon funding to continue their research. The majority of this funding comes from the American tax payer...meaning the federal government, and to continue to be funded they had better produce research that supports government policies, else the funding dry up. Yes, even scientists are subject to the whims of filthy lucre! Scientists are also as guilty of pride as the rest of us. They hate it when their pet theory is disproved, as it damages their reputation. Special people aren't found in groups...it's an individual thing. The recent climategate scandal is a terrific example. Here, you have scientists manipulating data to support their theories; hiding raw data to prevent peer review; black balling dissenting scientists, trying to prevent their own studies from being published in scientific journals; conspiring to prevent their collusion from becoming public. Is this climate research or Desperate Housewives? As I said in a previous post, EVERYONE has an agenda! Your first agenda should always be the TRUTH.

...you believe every American loves America. There are millions of Americans who think America is a racist, imperialistic, sexist, homophobic, puritanical, patriarchal nation bent on exalting old white men while "keeping down" the colored man, the woman and the poor. As a white, heterosexual, Christian man, I have to say Hell Yeah! We rule! No, I'm just kidding. Those that want to tear down the America that currently exists and remake it into a nation where everybody is the same are dreaming. The same income, same house, same education, same everything? Hey! It ain't never gonna happen! We all may be created equal, and as such equal under the law, but that's where equality ends. In every other aspect we all differ. Different talents, different flaws, different personalities, different work ethics and even different luck. We'll never all be the same, and trying to make us so is destructive, demoralizing, wasteful and just plain stupid...and boring too.

If you've discovered that you're a moron, I have good news. YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAY A MORON! Find someone like me and beg to hang out. We'll rock your world!