The Deuce Believes!

In the last year or so things have happened in this country that I never would have believed possible.

A very large chunk of the American financial sector had to accept a federal bail out to avoid bankruptcy and the resulting "meltdown" of the entire credit industry and thus America's entire economy (which is now going to happen anyway).

America, knowingly or not, elected a communist President.

The mainstream media, long biased for the liberal left, cast aside all pretension of being balanced and openly supported and assisted in the election of Obama, and continues to cover for him and his allies.

The utter corruption of American government at its highest levels grows even more ubiquitous, with tax cheats appointed to high office, a racially biased women who was herself a multiple beneficiary of affirmative action was appointed to the Supreme Court and a revolving door of patronage between Goldman-Sachs and the U.S. Treasury Department.

Taking all of these impossible events into consideration, I am now forced to believe that everything I thought I knew was wrong, and so I must reconsider my world view...that is what I believe and what I do not believe.

I can now join so many of my American brethren and unabashedly say that I believe in:

UFOs, alien abduction, men in black, and that we faked the moon landing in '69. It's all real. How cool is that? Well, except that whole abduction thing...that sounds pretty yucky what with all the orifice probing.

Bigfoot, and all the international manifestations of him ( her?); Yeti, the Abominable Snowman, Swamp Thing and Rosie O'Donnel.

Legends and myths of lost civilizations like Atlantis, Camelot ( Arthur's, not Kennedy's ), Troy and Middle Earth. Who doesn't want to believe in Elves and magic rings of power? Now I can!

Astral projection, spirit traveling, past lives, pyramid power, magic crystals and channeling. Yes, its true...now that I believe, I can travel to alternate universes whenever I want...my favorite is the one where I'm rich, famous and a babe magnet. Who's your daddy?!

Vampires, werewolves and zombies. Thank God! Now when I bust a cap in some freak I don't like I don't have to be concerned that I've broken any law, 'cause wasting the undead is all good. Get some!

Ghosts, poltergeists, seances and Grey Men. Suddenly I'm a horror movie fan. Knowing all these evil spirits actually exist makes my life so much more interesting and my movie going all the more enjoyable! I don't sleep so good though.

JFK was killed by a cadre of the Mafia, Castro's agents, Lady Bird Johnson ( she was so jealous of Jackie you know ) and Joe Dimaggio ( as revenge for JFK's murder of Marilyn Monroe ). It's all so clear now!

The Bilderburgers, Illuminati and the Masons rule the world. Now that I know I don't have to take any responsibility for all the failures I've suffered in life. None of them were my fault! I mean, who can compete with those guys? I never had a chance...those BASTARDS!

And best of all...Elvis lives!

Thank you...thank you very much. I've left the building.