When the economy is dying a slow death, North Korea is wrangling for more food aid by testing nukes and launching ICBMs, Iran is "electing" the same psycho president, and the Cubs are below .500, there's really only one thing we can talk about without having a stroke...sex.
Specifically, the sexiest women who have walked the planet Earth in the last 100 years.
Now obviously I haven't seen all the women who have lived in the past 100 years and the current state of physics and engineering limit me to our home world, so my list must be limited to those Terran women I have seen. Most of these women are actresses or models or both, since they get the most press. I will include a handful of women I have personally known...first names only, to protect the innocently lusted after.
No consideration is given for talent, intellect, political affiliation, professional success, nationality, bitch level, emotional stability, degree of promiscuity or kindness to animals. The only criteria that matters is do they put the Slugger in my Louisville. Each woman is considered while at her peak of desirability.
Personal disclaimer. I'm a big man, and I tend to like my women to have some meat on them. Hey, I gotta be me.
1. Sophia Loren. Still alive, and still magnificent! She's got it all; beauty, body and attitude.
2. Anna Nicole Smith. Dumb as a rock, gold digger extraordinaire and psychologically erratic...but my God!
3. Raquel Welch. The sexiest redhead ever...looks great in fur and not afraid of dinosaurs!
4. Ava Gardner. Broke up Frank Sinatra's marriage and dated Howard Hughes. You know she was a ring-a-ding doll.
5. Salma Hayek. Watch her dance in the movie From Dusk Til' Dawn. Grrrrrrrr!
6. Elizabeth Taylor. To see her in her prime watch the movie Cleopatra. Both Caesar and Marc Anthony had to have her, Roman empire be damned. I agree.
7. Rita Hayworth. Golden moonlight. See her in Gilda! Married Orson Wells...who knows why?
8. Catherine Zeta-Jones. Smokin' hot! The Welsh beauty married to Michael Douglas...lucky guy.
9. Angelina Jolie. Exudes sexuality. Can corrupt any man. Just ask Billy Bob Thornton or Brad Pitt. Satan's handmaiden.
10. Jayne Mansfield. Marilyn Monroe's chief rival as sex kitten of the 50's. Also did the Kennedy boys ( chicks don't just dig the long ball ). Died to young at age 34...car wreck.
11. Jennifer Lopez. Perhaps the most famous ass of all time.
12. Halle Berry. Just exquisite!
13. Marilyn Monroe. Sexiest purr ever. Did both JFK and Robert. Sadly allowed herself to be used and abused.
14. Marlene Dietrich. German sex goddess that swung both ways. Not so much a classic beauty, but her very open sexuality scandalized her era. Seduced a married John Wayne. I forgive him!
15. Nicole Kidman. Incredibly beautiful with a sexy Aussie accent, but a bit too skinny for my tastes to rank higher.
Now, as Willie sang, to all the girls I've loved, from afar...in no particular order.
Dawn. An Ava Gardner look alike. Her musk perfume drove me nuts.
Heidi. Think Salma Hayek but not Hispanic. Jaw-dropping figure!
Kerri. Rita Hayworth's twin. Golden.
Linda. A honey-blond Raquel with freckles. Devastating!
YMCA Girl. I don't know her name, and I only saw her once. I was working out at the local Y some years ago when she walked by. Late teens, blond, perfect complexion with a figure fit for a Greek goddess. She exuded innocence, health, fertility and sex in equal measure. She was simply breathtaking. I stared openly and I didn't give a damn who might object.
Here's to those women who make us act like fools, who make our very genes shout MATE! God bless 'em.