Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Deuce And The GOP

Michael Steele, the newly elected chairman of the Republican National Committee (RNC), has unveiled his stupid fresh strategy to revitalize the Grand Old Party and attract new supporters to the quasi-conservative cause...he's taking the GOP hip-hop. No, seriously.

In an interview Steele gave to the Washington Times, Steele plans an... “off the hook” public relations offensive to attract younger voters, especially blacks and Hispanics, by applying the party's principles to “urban-suburban hip-hop settings.”

So, all of you that are prone to vote Republican, prepare to learn a new language. You'll need to be hip to such phrases as;

Stupid fresh; so new only the hippest of hip-hoppers know about it. Common usage; "This commodities trading algorithm is stupid fresh!"

Off the hook; wild, bold, never before seen. Common usage; "This new Michael Bolton CD is off the hook!"

Taking it to the streets; essentially this means marching up and down some sidewalk carrying signs of protest with misspelled words, lead by a pseudo-charismatic leader who likes to chant in rhymes. The nature of the protest is immaterial. Common usage; "My 401k is trashed...I'm taking it to the streets!"

Keeping it real; nobody knows what this really means. Think of it as the hip way to answer the question, "How are you doing?" Common usage; "How are you doing?" "I'm keeping it real." (what did you expect?)

The man be keeping us down; since "the Man" is,, using this phrase is problematic. However, with a black president it may soon be possible for white middle aged Republicans to use this phrase without being lame (stupid). Common usage; " Capital gains taxes are going up? Damn, the Man be keeping us down!"

25 with an izL; prison sentence of 25 years to life (props to Snoop Dog). Common usage; "I hope Bernie Madoff gets 25 with an izL."

40; a 40oz bottle of malt liquor or beer. With the Man keeping us down, expect Jack Daniel's, Jim Beam and most single malt scotches to start offering their libations in this way. Common usage; "It's been a hell of a day Geeves...bring me a 40."

5 O; hip-hop code for the police, as in Hawaii Five-O, an archaic cop show popular amongst whites in the 1970's. Common usage, "I think my lame ass broker is running a Ponzi scheme on me...I'm calling 5 o!"

AK; the AK-47 assault rifle and its eastern European and Chinese knock offs, like the SKS. Common usage; "My AK is too big to conceal in the Summer, so I carry my 9 instead."

9; a nine millimeter semi-automatic pistol. Common usage; "Buffy, get me a 40 before I break out my 9 and bust a cap in your ass!"

Bust a cap; discharge a round from your favorite AK, 9 or other fire arm. Common usage; see 9.

Shout Out; say 'hi' to your homeys when speaking in front of an audience. Common usage; "I want to give a shout out to my polo instructor Trevor!"

Homey; someone from your 'hood', a friend, or someone who grew up or lives in your hood, whether you know them or not. Common usage; "I can help with that leveraged buyout. The CEO is my homey."

Benz; your Mercedes, or if you're lame, your homey's Mercedes. Common usage; "I'm purchasing a new Benz with my year end bonus!"

Dog; a friend. Similar to homey, but closer. Common usage; "What's the market doing today dog?"

Unfortunately, there's a lot more hip-hop lingo to learn before you can call yourself a hip-hop Republican, but don't be shy about trying out your new found patois with the homey's that hang out in front of the bodega late at night. No doubt they'll be so impressed that they'll cruise to the nearest voter registration office to proclaim their stupid fresh allegiance to the Republican Party.

For more info, contact Mr. Michael Steele at the RNC.

Peace out!

1 comment:

Rick said...

I'md down with that. Geeves, bring me a 40 of Glenlivet. With a twist.