Soccer blows. Yeah, I said it. That's not exactly a Fox News Alert, like everything else seems to be, but it needed to be said. Now, having said that, I still check out the World Cup. As a sports fan it's pretty much impossible to ignore "the world's biggest sporting event", no matter how irritating it is.
As an American, it is my God given right to celebrate sports that most closely resemble medieval slaughter, hence my love of football, hockey, boxing, MMA and presidential campaigns. Soccer, alas, rarely displays any of the manly arts of mayhem, except the occasional riot, and that doesn't even take place on the "pitch". FIFA should seriously consider making riots a regular half time show. Just let all the soccer hooligans onto the field for a twenty minute melee'. Last man standing wins a guest spot on The View, where four American women will give him a serious beat down, thereby emphasizing the superiority of America, where even our talking head women are tougher than the world's toughest soccer hooligan.
Oh, I admit to admiring the athleticism of the world's greatest soccer players...kind of like I admire the athleticism of the carjacker who thinks he can outrun the police helicopter after he dumps the stolen car. Sure, he weaves his way through six lanes of interstate traffic zipping by at 70 mph and leaps over the ten foot wall into some poor schmuck's back yard before the cops tase him into an epileptic seizure, but he doesn't score. Great moves, but to what end? Soccer is a lot like that.
However, if you know the secrets of the World Cup, your entertainment factor can sky rocket. For example, did you know African and Caribbean teams routinely employ the services of witch doctors?
How great is that? What other sport gives you the public casting of spells and voodoo dolls smoking blunts? Yeah! Can't you just hear the play by play guy? "Clearly Cameroon has the superior team, but Nigeria has some serious juju. It's strategy and skill versus the demons of hell, and it's live on ESPN!"
Despite all the hilarity provided by the voodoo zombies, this World Cup has special problems not seen by any previous venue.
It's the incessant noise of the vuvuzelas. Vuvazelas are three foot long plastic trumpets that South Africans like to blow on special occasions, like when they find some food. But at the World Cup, they blow the damn things for the entire 90 minute game, creating a buzz like a seriously pissed off hornets nest. It's maddening! I mean, they don't just blow the things when their team walks onto the pitch, or when a goal is scored (that would be a waste of the $2.50 it cost to buy one, as goals are rarer than prosperous nations in Africa), but instead they blow them every second of the game, like they're HIV positive and blowing the vuvuzela is the cure. Maybe I shouldn't complain...I'd rather they blow the damn vuvuzela than rape virgins, which is the generally accepted cure for AIDS in Africa.
And if all this doesn't crank your tractor when it comes to soccer, consider this. The winning team gets a cool $30 million. With that kind of cash on the line you have to root for a Brazil vs. South Africa final. Voodoo hexes will take a back seat to more modern cheats, like knives and brass knuckles. It'll be a cage fight with a ball thrown in just so FIFA can call it a soccer match.
Now that's soccer any red blooded American can enjoy.