The Deuce and Guilty Pleasures

You don't tell your buddies, but maybe your wife knows, but only because she spends so much time around you. You don't talk about it with her. You don't tell your parents, your children, your colleagues, your employer, or your neighbors? Never! Not ever! They're the things that mysteriously give you pleasure, or at least more pleasure than you think they should. You don't know why, or if you do you find it impossible to put into words. What it is about them that makes you feel guilty varies. Maybe you think they cast doubt on your manhood, or your intelligence, or even your basic humanity. For whatever reason...you're guilty.

Here are some of mine. Laugh all you want...but I know you've got your own.

Movies:

Encino Man; Pauley Shore does imitations of a chipmunk. It cracks me up every time. And Encino Man's dance moves? Groovy!

Starship Troopers; A great book turned into a B- flick. "Everybody fights...nobody quits. If you do, I'll shoot you myself." Blasting aliens is almost as much fun as wasting zombies. You know it!

Office Space; Having been an office drone for a big corporation for many years, this movie touches my soul, and leaves it bleeding. Sadly hilarious.

Fight Club; Having been an office drone for a big corporation for many years, this movie touches my soul, and leaves it shouting for joy. Sick, but oh so satisfying. What would Tyler Durden do?

Back To School; Rodney Dangerfield mocks academia just like he mocked the country club set in Caddy Shack. Add the late, great Sam Kinnison in an all too brief role as a passionate Vietnam vet, and the slinky Sally Kellerman as the sex appeal, and you get gut wrenching laughter that commie libs can't begin to appreciate.

TV:

Ally McBeal; I hated the Ally character, but all of the supporting cast rocked. The Barry White soundtrack put a smooth groove on the whole insane thing.

Larry the Cable Guy: Humor so low hillbillies are embarrassed...but it sure is funny. Nobody tells fart jokes like Larry, and I'll never again shop at Wal-Mart with a straight face. Get 'er done!

Frasier; You could never find two guys more different than me. Brothers Frasier and Niles Crane's neurotic, snobbish and status seeking forays into sibling rivalry were laugh out loud funny. Effete metrosexuals? Yes. Hilarious? Always.

Radio:

The Savage Nation; Dr. Michael Savage's three hour tirades against everything liberal are enough to make any real man hoist the Jolly Roger and start cutting throats. Unleash your rage vicariously through Doc Savage!

Dr. Laura; So brutal and maddening even I can only tolerate about a half hour at a time. Nowhere else are morons, idiots and fools outed to a national radio audience with so much glee and so little mercy. Dr. Laura may be the one person on the planet with a lower tolerance for bullshit than The Deuce.

Art Bell's Coast To Coast, A.M.; If it's after Midnight and you're cruising the A.M. dial, you're going to find Art Bell, or his protege George Noory. Since it's after Midnight, the discussion is all about UFOs, Grey Men, astral projection, black helicopters and conspiracy theories. It's everything that goes boo! Scary, often hilarious and anything but boring.

Food:

Velveeta; The processed goo that looks and tastes like cheese. Nobody really knows what it is. It's formula is more top secret than Coke's. Slice it and make a sandwich or melt it and pour it over nachos, it's goo-licious! If you're worried about it's affect on your cholesterol you're a pussy.

Nacho Cheese Doritos; Just the very best salty corn chip snack ever invented. It has absolutely no nutritional value...but it's great with beer, and that's what's important. The "family size" bag isn't nearly big enough. South Americans riot whenever a bag is sighted.

Skittles; So much sugar just one will kill a hundred hummingbirds. Dentists puke at the mention of them. Tip; put ten on each side of your mouth, then bite down with all the force you can muster. The sugary jolt is like getting a Taser blast to the jaw! It hurts so good.

Chicken Gizzards; That mysterious internal organ that when bathed in batter and deep fried behind the counter at your local convenience store is good enough to make you buy some at 3:00 A.M., even when you're not drunk. Salty, crunchy mystery meat to rival Taco Bell's best. So bad for you vultures won't touch it.

Miscellaneous:

Soccer Riots; Gotta love 'em. Any sports fan that brings smoke bombs and a tire iron to the game is aces in my book. Nothing like a good England vs. Germany blood feud to bring out the competitive spirit of soccer fans. Nothing will warm your heart like seeing English skin heads beating the shit out of German skin heads, and Russian skin heads waiting outside the stadium to take on all-comers.

Extra Strength Toilet Paper; Finally, someone at Charmin read my emails. Soft tp is okay for chicks and kids, but a man needs something he can really torque down on to get those stubborn dingle berries without suffering the heartbreak of finger break through! Know what I'm saying?