Since my past New Year's resolutions of the "I will" variety don't normally pan out, I thought this year I would try a different tack. For 2009 my resolutions will be of the "I won't" variety.
This year I've chosen to work on my anger issues.
I won't allow my anger to explode into a galactic super nova when TV gives me;
some mush-head in the MSM ( main stream media) uses the word crisis to describe every story presented in that particular half hour news cycle. The financial crisis story is followed by the climate crisis story which is followed by the Israeli vs. Palestinian crisis story. We catch our breath during a two minute commercial break, which I spend pouring a large vodka rocks with a twist with which to fight off my impending depression over all these damn crisis', and then the crisis avalanche continues. The AIDS crisis in Africa story and then the piracy crisis story followed yet by the California budget crisis. Now my vodka isn't working so I top it off with two quick Sam Adams lagers. Now it's time for the last story of the the half hour, usually a feel good story to end the broadcast on a high note...
and its the ubiquitous panda story! Yes, the Chicoms ( Chinese Communists) latest five year plan for the bamboo harvest has failed again and some of their slower pandas are starving. So, the Chicoms kill two birds with one stone; they thin the panda herd by giving ( leasing really, but lets not be mean) two pandas to some American zoo. This leaves more bamboo for their remaining pandas while simultaneously reminding all of America of how charitable the Chicoms are by "sharing" their most precious natural resource ( not counting a billion peasants who work for food scraps rejected by starving Ethiopians ). The breathless reporter tells us that the pandas are named Wang-Wang and Poo-Poo, which translated into English is Up Yours American Scum and Your Ancestors Are Fertilizer. Alcohol is not working...where'd I put my morphine? Oh look, it's time for the local news, which leads off with the...
gang crisis! That's one too many crisis' for me and I feel a super nova coming on so I change the channel looking for something more entertaining with which to calm my nerves, which leads me to...
Late night TV. I've got satellite TV which means 250 channels of rip roaring good times 24 hours a day. Let's see what I have to choose from tonight...
...at least 100 channels of paid programming?! Great! Half hour commercials pitching everything from the latest magical exercise machine that will give you abs of steel with just one five minute workout a month, to the latest magical pill that will melt the fat right off your body without the least bit of exertion on your part, ever. We've got over the counter boner pills, Alzheimer cures, hair replacement creams, hair removal systems, finger tip vibrators for that someone special ( yourself), nail fungus treatments and acne cures. More alcohol please. But there's got to be something worthwhile on. Then I find...
...Make Money Scams! EBay, real estate, drop shipping, day trading, gold investing, commodity futures, social security and workman's comp rip offs ( thinly veiled) and "If you've ever been exposed to," or "if you've ever operated this equipment" law suit scams. They're everywhere!
I'll try HBO. Oh good. Not one movie that's under a year old. Original programming from last year too! Oh but don't worry, HBO's got new episodes of all my favorites coming out in March! Won't we all be dead from climate change by March? Now I need really high octane alcohol. I go out to my bomb shelter and break out a fifth of white lightening...distilled by my cousin who lives in a trailer down by the river ( the trailer is just to throw off the revenuers, he nets $150K a year).
History Channel? Any good war footage, police shootouts, riots at the Japanese congress, Best of Soccer Hooligans or WWII dog fights? Uh, not tonight. Tonight it's "Modern Marvels; Corn Snacks!" Then, "Modern Marvels; Plumbing!", followed by the award winning "Modern Marvels; The History of Toilet Paper And Other Household Paper Products!" The White Lightening is burning my tongue down to a small chip of coal, but I force it down. No more super novas from me. I'm in control.
MTV? First up is "Room Raiders." Described as people selecting dates by inspecting rooms. Seriously, I can't make this stuff up. Oh, it gets even better. I've stumbled upon a "Room Raiders" marathon...eight riveting episodes in a row! Boy, I don't need any of those boner pills I saw advertised earlier now!
AMC? Movie, "The Magnificent Seven." Seen it like 50 times...and it's not even that good. It's also from 1960. 48 years old. Makes me feel like a geezer.
TCM? Movie, "Heaven's Gate." Saw it once years ago. BORING! So boring coma patients complained.
FX? "Hair Club For Men and Women." On FX? Is going bald really a crisis of this magnitude?
TNT? Series, "Without A Trace." Veteran tough guy FBI dude rides heard over younger metro sexual male agents and gender-feminist female agents...that are always screwing each other right after finding the body of some guy that's been missing for three months and decomposing in the trunk of a car. Nothing like decomp to get the sexual juices flowing!
TBS? Movie, "Richie Rich." Oh please. Richie Rich just went bankrupt after being defrauded by that Bernie Madoff sleaze.
SPIKE? Series, "Star Trek; Deep Space Nine." Love Quark and his rules of acquisition, but seen this episode. ( if Odo is a real shape shifter, why does he choose such a dull looking sissy body? Would it really take that much more energy to strut around built like Conan the Barbarian?).
DISCOVERY CHANNEL? "Storm Chasers". I live in the Mid-West. I'm too smart to chase tornadoes. Although it is kind of funny to listen to the chasers. They sound like Samuel L. Jackson, all cool and fearless and tossing around the storm chaser version of mother fucker, "Oh Geez," when the tornado is going away, then the tornado changes direction and starts coming toward them and suddenly they sound like baby seals about to be clubbed.
I won't even mention the shopping channels and the preacher channels. I'm not senile yet.
My white lightening is almost gone. I haven't gone super nova. My New Year's resolution has worked for one night. The Deuce is victorious.
Happy New Year America!