Saturday, December 19, 2009

The Deuce and Tiger

Dear Tiger,

You don't know me, but I've got some suggestions on how you should deal with your current P.R. problem.

First, you absolutely must ignore the so-called P.R. pros. They'll want you to pick a major media event and confess all your sins, beg for forgiveness, cry and generally act like a slobbering fool.
Instead, you act like a man.

1. Give Elin the divorce. You're not going to get custody of the kids, but cut the best deal you can regarding visitation. Visit your kids often. Nothing is more important than being a father to your kids.

2. Cut your losses. Offer Elin a huge chunk of cash regardless of what your prenup says. If you don't, she'll stretch out the misery for years, fuck with your chi, and bleed you dry in attorney's fees.

3. Stay out of the press until the week of your first golf tourney next year. No interviews. No crying jags on Oprah. No "I'm scum" confessions to Barbara Walters.

4. Tell your sponsors what your strategy is. A divorce as quick and painless as possible. No counter accusations. No putting the blame on Elin. No b.s. excuses like you're a sex addict, or she just didn't understand you, or the pressure of being "me" was just too much.

5. Practice, practice, practice.

6. Now, this is the big one. The week of your first major tourney in 2010, here's what you say.
"I made some very serious mistakes. Those mistakes cost me my marriage, my ability to spend time with my kids and a butt-load of sponsor cash. I've paid the price for my mistakes. It's over. Now, it's all personal. I won't talk about it in public ever again.
I'm going to continue playing professional golf. I love it. It's how I make my living. It is who I AM. I've asked forgiveness from God. I won't ask for forgiveness from the press, the fans, or anyone else. When my kids are older, I'll explain myself as best I can, tell them I love them, and pray to God they keep on loving me.
I'm a man. Nothing more...nothing less. I'm dealing with deal with it.

I'll see you at the first tee at The Masters...and I'm still Tiger."

ps. You better mean it. You won't get another chance, so don't blow it.

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