Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Deuce Ponders 4

A current events quiz.

1. Guys...if you absolutely had to choose, drooling banjo players with shotguns demanding an answer, who would you rather marry?

A. Jeanane Garafalo
B. Whoopi Goldberg
C. Barney Frank
D. Nancy Pelosi

Answer: C. Barney Frank. Sure, the lisp is a turn off, but maybe he likes football. In any event, he can't possibly run his yap as much as the other ladies. Plus, if you find you can't stand him, Fox News won't run reports 24/7 on his disappearance...since he's not a blond chick.

2. Ten African leaders, meeting at African Union Headquarters in Ethiopia, are asking for $67 billion dollars annually from the West to combat...

A. Tribal Warfare
B. Crocodile Predation
C. Global Warming
D. Female Virginity

Answer: C. Global Warming. Never mind all that Hutu vs. Tutsi genocide or the AIDS pandemic or the devolution of South Africa, global warming may cause the Sahara to get one degree hotter in the next fifty years and the mosquitoes in the Congo will get a little more aggressive. You know, if you're trying to pick my pocket can't you at least try harder to come up with a more believable excuse, like you're a Nigerian prince and if I'll just cash your check for $750 thousand and send it to you, you'll be able to claim your rightful kingship and I can keep $25 thousand for myself? No wonder the entire African continent is a write off...they can't even run a believable scam.

3. You're a CIA intelligence officer tasked with interrogating high value Al-Qaeda prisoners. Which of the following interrogation techniques are allowed under the Obama administration guidelines?

A. Water Boarding
B. Sleep Deprivation
C. Hate Speech ( "Tell me what I want to know or I'll kill your family!", or "That cheesy mustache makes you look like a pussy!" )
D. Let a pissed off Poodle bark at him
E. Atomic Wedgy

Answer: E. Atomic Wedgy. The Atomic Wedgy may be administered to the prisoner, but only after he's been given a prayer rug, told which direction Mecca is, given a signed first edition of the Koran, fed a seven course culturally correct meal free of pork and allowed to cut the head off of an infidel Christian or Jew ( video made available to Al Jazeera, of course ). And the Crusades stopped at three because...?

4. Cash For Clunkers was a bad idea because...

A. The federal government shouldn't be in the business of selling cars.
B. Car dealers shouldn't rely on the federal government to help them sell cars.
C. I didn't pay my taxes just so they could help your sorry ass buy a new rice burner.
D. Cash For Clunkers could morph into yet another welfare program, like Cash For Appliances.

Answer. All of the above. If you took advantage of the Cash For Clunkers program you should hang yourself right now. You just used $3500 to $4500 of my tax money to subsidize the purchase of your new ride. Have you no shame? Have you no pride? You're a parasite. When you have that head-on crash because you're so busy texting your BFF I hope your airbags fail.

5. The "Public Option" of Obama's health care plan is creating so much controversy because...

A. The Federal Government should not be involved in health care insurance programs.
B. It makes private medical records available to the government.
C. "End of Life" counseling sounds too much like "Time to give it up geezer!"
D. Any legislation that takes over a thousand pages to describe is prima facie evidence that it is an abomination that will bankrupt the country while fixing nothing.

Answer: All of the above. Obama's health care plan is not about health care...it's about controlling you. Once Obama wets his beak in health care he can then say, "You're too fat. Lose weight or we'll withhold coverage for conditions related to obesity." Or, "stop smoking or we'll deny coverage for any respiratory diseases.", or "Injuries sustained in a car crash and you weren't wearing a seat belt...claim denied.", or "Born with Down's Syndrome, your carbon footprint will be humongous...can't use you...off to the post-birth abortion chamber you go."

What did the Chinese philosopher say..."May you live in interesting times." Well folks, it's getting real interesting.

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